For a while now there have been multiple heart breaking videos about Planned Parenthood's methods and use of baby parts. To be honest I haven't followed most of it. I only watched one video and haven't joined the debate online or in person with others. This is not for a lack of an opinion on my part. I regularly think about abortion stories and how that could have been our daughter's story. She too could have gone to see the Lord before even breathing her first breath in this world. I don't know why God saw fit to give her mother the strength and will power to go through with her pregnancy. I do know I am so grateful for it.

This week I started something new in my Bible reading time. A pastor at our church mentioned that when you read the Bible you should always seek to know more about Christ and who He is. In light of that wise counsel, before I start reading I write down this question: What did I learn about God and who He is through this scripture?

It's only been day two of this and today God blew my mind specifically in this area of abortion. While reading Psalm 139 these verses stood out.

"For you formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
My soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
When I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
In your book were written, every one of them.
The days that were formed for me,
When as yet there was none of them."
(vs. 14-16)

Now most of you have read and might be familiar with the first verse. I know I was. It is the life verse we picked for Micah-Grace's dedication at church. The verses I missed all this time were 15-16. Look how amazing God is! He intricately made us. He knew us even when we looked like a "unformed substance." Whether you believe a baby is human at conception, when it "looks" like a baby or when delivered, the Bible is clear. His eyes sees every child and He has made note of every one of them. That is AMAZING! How did I miss this?! These verse bring me so much joy! God knows us all. None of us were an accident!

As we move into another season of being foster parents in a new city and state I am reminded of how important it is to have total trust in my Heavenly Father. I don't know what child or children that will come into our home or for how long. But I do know none of them are mistakes. He has a plan for each one of our kids. That's good news!

Dear child that didn't stay,

I think of you often, every day in fact. There are so many things that remind me of you. When a bus passes by I think of how much you loved buses and wanted to ride one all the time. If I see a baby snuggled up with their momma, I think of the sweet kisses and snuggles we shared for a brief weekend. When I hear another child with the same name as you, my heart aches thinking of you. I wonder what you are up to day. Are you walking? Are you making new friends?

Sometimes I doubt myself and wonder if I could have done more. I struggle knowing I might not have been what you needed. I know I made mistakes and probably hurt you as a parent. I am sorry.

I pray for you often. My heart slowly heals when I ask God to be with you, to protect you and watch over you wherever you are. Even though I don't see you anymore, you are forever etched in my heart. It's like a piece of my heart is forever yours. You called me mom and loved me as your own. I am so thankful for the time I spent with you. It was hard losing you and I don't think it will ever be the same. You life matters to us and to Christ. He has a plan for you. It's a promise He made and I believe He will see it through in your life. I pray that the verses you memorized and the Word of God you heard me read begin to take fruit in your life. That God would change your story and make it be a light that shines his goodness and love.

As I sat watching my daughter sleep last night, you came to my mind. With tears in my eyes, God once again reminded me that you are His. You are His creation and He doesn't make mistakes. You are loved sweet child by me and our heavenly Father. I haven't forgotten you. You are still very much part of my life. I think that part may never change.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

My Dearest Daughter,

On March 26th, 2015, you were adopted. It was a day filled with mixed emotions. We waited more than two years to officially call you our forever daughter. In my mind you always were my forever. God picked you for us. Even though you didn't come from my belly you looked just like me. The dimple on the left side of your cheek and your beautiful blue eyes oddly looked just like mine. You are the little girl that made me a mommy. We prayed for you even before you were born in fact, many people did. People loved you while you were growing in your mother's womb. The Lord filled my heart with love for you before you were even born. I remember standing in your room praying for the child that would sleep in the crib. Praying that God would use us to make much of Him. It' is only because of His faithfulness we are called your mother and father. His love for you and your life is beyond anything you could ever imagine my sweet little girl.

We stood in front of a judge to declare we would love and protect you forever. That we would call you our own as if you came from my very own body. You were adopted into our family and now you have our name forever.

But there is a greater family my little girl. The Lord Jesus wants to adopt you into His family. He died on a cross to save you from your sins. His love is greater than anything we will ever be able to give you. We will fail you as parents but there is a daddy that never will. His name is Jesus! Oh how I long for you to be adopted into His family one day. You will never be the same once you meet this daddy. He has known of you and your amazing life since before time even began. He created you for His glory.

My deepest longing and prayer for you is that you meet this Jesus, sweet child of mine. That you love and serve Him with all your heart. Your life is not an accident...you were created with a purpose.

I love you so much Micah-Grace. I am honored to be called your mother.

 

Over the past few weeks our family has celebrated a lot. On Thursday, March 26th Westin and I celebrated our ten year anniversary AND finally adopted Micah-Grace!  With family in town, parties and nights out I haven't even had a chance to take it all in.

This time has been bitter sweet for our family. Just over two months ago we said goodbye to our foster son. I have thought a lot about what to write regarding this. Honestly, I have avoided writing because it's such a hard subject to explain.

You may remember in my last post I wrote about the fears and struggles I was having with moving forward with adoption. As days, weeks and months past by, that feeling we shouldn't move forward with adoption didn't go away. Every time I would find a sense of peace the feeling would come again. With that being said, Westin and I made the hard decision not to move forward with adopting T. We struggled tremendously with this decision. We sought counsel from many people and felt this is the way God was leading us.

Back when we started this journey two years ago all people asked us is how will we be able give back a child. Your worst fear is loving a child for days, months even years and then having to say goodbye to them. What they don't tell you about is how hard it is when you start the road of adoption with a child and later discover it's not the right path for your family. No matter what you feel like you're making the wrong decision. On one side you know it may be the best for your family not to adopt but on the other hand you're breaking a child's heart. How do you explain to a 6 year old there is a better place for him... that he needs more than you can give him?

Today our comfort is knowing that God is good. That He is in every detail including T's life. God knows him by name and will protect him. We don't have to be his saviors because T already has a Savior and his name is Jesus.

For those of you that loved and cared for T at one point, when you think of him, please keep him in your prayers. Thank you for treating him like he was our own. We know he was touched by many.

Our family ...