Goetz Forever

Archive for 2014

Fears, struggles and doubts...

Monday, October 27, 2014

Last month marked one year since our son joined our family. I can still remember his face when we first met him. Huge eyes and a sweet smile. On Friday morning we received news the judge assigned to Tristen's termination hearing ruled in favor of the state to legally terminate the father's parental rights. Tristen is now legally free to be adopted!

As I opened the Bible this morning the Holy Spirit led me to Psalm 77: 11-12.

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds."

As I read the verses I couldn't help but think of the hardest moments, one of them being when we doubted if we should continue on the road towards adopting Tristen. I remember wondering if I was the best mom for him? Did he need a home where there was only one child in effort to give him more of the attention he desires? Did I know all the facts about the case? Did I really know this child and would I be able to meet all of his needs, especially the needs I have yet to know about? For a week I pondered question after question, analyzing every angle. We asked our Community Group to join us in praying for God to speak. I specifically said I wanted an answer from the Lord before we could move forward.

Some may not agree with me but I believe that time in my life was extremely fruitful. It was important for me to voice the thoughts in my head. Telling people I was struggling to believe in God's plan was like taking a weight off my shoulders. For so long I was putting the best face forward and denying any doubts and fears I was having. The truth is, I was doubting everything. I was doubting my whole future and God already knew that. Bringing those fears and struggles to the light took all the power away from the enemy and his attacks. Keeping everything inside kept me from seeing God and the work He was doing. But can I tell you...that's okay! The Lord is bigger than our fears. He desires to meet us where we are today. He is an ever present help (Psalm 46:1). He doesn't look down at us with disappointing eyes when we struggle to believe in Him or what He is calling us to. If you're struggling today, can I encourage you to be honest about it? Don't worry about what people will think? Some may not agree with you or wonder how you could be so honest? I wondered if people would still accept me even if I doubted Tristen being our forever child. None of those questions and fears bring life.

"Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour our your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:24

"Commit your ways to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act." Psalm 37:5

After spending two weeks in prayer both as a couple and through our community group the Lord began to open my eyes. I hope you understand...He didn't send me a message in the clouds or spoke to me audibly. God did help me to see Tristen differently. He helped me see who I was/is when God chose to adopt me into His family. God didn't wait until I had it all together and was a "good" person. I still make mistakes, take advantage of people, serve my own cause and so much more but God sees past that. Only when I look at Tristen through God's eyes am I able to see clearly. He is me and I am him. We both need a Savior!

"but God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life." Psalm 56:13

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Dear friend that is still "trying"...

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Dear friend,

You are on my heart a lot. It seems daily I am reminded of the pain and hurt you must feel wondering when it will be your turn. I too have and continue to struggle with understanding God's timing and will for my life when it comes to having a child. I know what it's like to never read the words "positive" or "pregnant". The excitement of being "late" now screams disappointment and utter sadness reading the same dreadful words over and over.

Although I have never been pregnant and been thru a miscarriage I often wonder if that would be better. Would it be easier to deal with the pain if I knew that it was actually possible to get pregnant? I know, it wouldn't be easier at all and can't even begin to understand the pain you have experienced after a such loss. I don't know first hand but I feel your pain. I know your tears. I know how hard it is to be happy for yet another friend being pregnant. I know there are times you just fall to your knees crying out why. Dear friend, I feel your hurt.

It must be hard to talk about it at times. Feeling like a broken record sharing your pain again and again, wondering when is a proper time to get over it. How do you get over something that seems so impossible? You don't want pity but you do want to keep talking about it because the pain is still there.

I know sometimes you tell yourself God is punishing you. That somewhere in time you must have done something to deserve this. It is so hard to find an explanation for the pain thinking if you knew why it would make the hurt go away. Dear friend, I understand.

I know what it's like when the Enemy whispers in your ear, God doesn't care for you. That God somehow has made a mistake. He lies to you when you see a pregnant woman, receive a baby shower invitation, see a gender reveal post on Facebook, etc. Sometimes it seems like he is the only voice you hear screaming at you.
I could tell you that God has a plan and He has it all under control but I know you've heard that. Yes, that is very true indeed and at times it has encouraged you, I am sure. But I know the times these words don't mean a thing. When the pain is so real that nothing makes it "feel" better. I know you have shed many tears and may continue to do so. I can't tell you it will be all better and tomorrow you will be pregnant.
Dear friend, I will tell you one thing though. God loves you so much. You are His daughter and He delights in you. When He thinks of you He is pleased. Nothing can change the love He has for you. He knows every tear you have shed for that lost baby. He feels your pain when it's not your turn yet again. He is with you through it all and He doesn't forget. He hasn't forgotten about you sweet friend. Your pain doesn't go unnoticed by your Creator. This is not the way He wanted things to go. Sin ruined everything but He loves you! He loves you dear friend! The Creator of the world loves you!
You are in my prayers friend. I won't forget you. Even though my foster kids call me mommy I won't forget you. I pray the love of Christ surrounds you today. That His love for you would shine thru your pain. I pray you know, CHRIST LOVES YOU!

"For God so love the world, that he gave his only Son, That whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16

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Saying good-bye is never easy...

Thursday, August 28, 2014

On Friday, August 22, 2014 around midnight, we met a sweet four day old baby girl. We weren't given much information, just that she needed a home. Immediately we feel in love with Baby A. She only weighed a little over five pounds and we couldn't get enough of her. The family went into "new baby" mode and adjusted well. Micah-Grace and T were smitten by her. I am not even sure they were convinced it was a baby considering she was so little. With sleepless nights, formula all over and diapers everywhere we began the journey into the unknown with Baby A.

The grace and faithfulness I experienced caring for three children is indescribable. The Lord knew Baby A would be in our lives and prepared the way for her arrival but most of all, He prepared our hearts. You never really know how long a child will be placed with you in the world of foster care. Every time you say yes you must rid yourself of expectations, hopes and anything else standing in the way of just caring for that child. The foster care process has given me more trust in Jesus than I ever had before.

Tonight I received a call from the social worker telling me the judge approved for Baby A to be placed with an aunt of hers. My heart sank a little as I listened to her giving me the details of her arrival to pick up Baby A in about forty-five minutes. As I got off the phone I began to pray for Baby A's future. I prayed that God would protect her...that He would keep her safe and give her a blessed life...that her hard beginning in life wouldn't keep her from being all she could be...most of all that she would one day worship her creator...that she would know how much Christ loves her.

It's not easy saying good-bye. You look at this sweet baby and wonder what will their life be like. Will she ever know she will always have a special place in our heart? You don't forget. You pray, remembering that God called you to love every child that comes into your home. If for one day, one month, one year, one forever...just love them as Christ loved us. So that's what we will continue to do knowing that He is in control and knows all of our children by name.

"'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'

'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'"

Matthew 25:34b-36, 40b

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Some things I am learning again and again...

Friday, March 14, 2014

For a while now, I have been extremely overloaded with emotions that in the past have been unfamiliar to me. It has been a tough season getting adjusted to having two kids, one being five years old when he joined our family. This season has led me to more prayer, reading God's Word and desiring to learn more about how to parent the way God desires.

"Greatness is never the product of giftedness. Greatness is always the product of faithfulness."

Crawford Loritts from R13 Conference

I wasn't able to attend the R13 Conference that was held last November but I greatly benefited being able to watch it online. Although Pastor Crawford spoke the above in the context of church leadership, I believe it's a principle all of us learn in life, sometimes the hard way like I did. Being a great parent is not having all the right answers, having kids that always obey you, or never making mistakes. Being a great parent is a product of faithfulness and sometimes that greatness is hardly what the world thinks is great. Faithfulness is hard in the midst of trial. It is hard to have faith when you don't know if things will ever get better. I believe it's in those moments that God blesses our faithfulness. Westin and I could have given up a long time ago. You could easily justify yourself but God has called us to be faithful.

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"Character comes through pain."
Rick Warren from R13

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9

What has been the most rewarding in life came through pain. The foster care system is full of pain. Why would you sign up for uncertainty, poor communication, constantly being under the microscope while trying to parent and so much more? In an earlier blog post, I mentioned thinking that God gives us a la-la feeling when desiring new things such as getting married, having kids, etc. In His goodness He doesn't show us everything because if He did, we wouldn't follow Him down the hard road ahead. I think anyone that is married can testify to that. Is marriage amazing? Of course but, it's also very hard. The same goes for raising children.
The scripture in 2 Corinthians has given me so much encouragement during this tough season. The Lord is with me. He is my strength even when I have nothing else to give.
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"A God-centered parent, on the other hand, acts out of reverenece for God. Regardless of how my children treat me, I know that God wills that I move toward my children, to get engaged in their lives, to offer biblical correction and loving support. It doesn't matter how they respond to me as much as it matters what God has called me to do."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

"Becoming a mother is a role that most women are ill-prepared for or ill-trained to understand, yet it has such vast consequences in the course and direction of history. I have even come to believe that a mother's role might be the most determining factor as to how history will unfold."
Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson from Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

A calling. It's as simple as that. When God calls you to do something, never forget it. There will be times when the calling is too hard. You will want to give up. You will feel inadequate. You will probably fail over and over. What matters most is the calling. We are called to parent, specifically foster kids. Were we ready for everything it brought? No! I believe the enemy tries to make us forget our calling every day. If he could get us to forget the God of the universe called us to something beyond our strength, the enemy rejoices. When we forget, we are most vulnerable. It is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself in the midst of disobedient children, depression, an unconsolable crying baby and many more hard situations. But God calls us to remember the calling.
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"...the process of parenting is one of the most spiritually formative journey a man and a woman can ever undertake."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

I need thee, O I need thee;
every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee
Hymn, Text by Annie S. Hawks

When you were "great" at your job you found your identity in that. I don't want you to find your identity in being a mother...find it in me.
A word God gave me when I was going thru depression.

I have never needed and desired God more then when I became a parent. I need him every hour. One night after a hard day of parenting, I went down to our basement where the wood stove was burning and just sang the three lines of the song above over and over. Those were the only words that could explain exactly how I felt. God continues to bring me to my knees in prayer showing me that it's only in Him that I have true joy. Even when I feel like I did something right as a mom that feeling of accomplishment quickly dies.
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"When we realize that having children isn't about us but rather about God, then the trials and sacrifices of parenting are more easily borne."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

I wish I would have fully understood this earlier. I think I missed precious moments with my kids believing the lie that kids were created for me and my happiness. When that truth became real, trials and sacrifices became easier to accept and deal with.
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"Parenting will lead us to confront spiritual sins that we never even knew existed."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

Be angry, and do not sin, ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.
Psalm 4:4

I never thought I struggled with anger until I had kids. The Lord continues to show me how my anger comes out of a selfish heart. The desire to have some alone time is good but it becomes sinful when I have no more patience for my son who has now come out of his bedroom for the forth time after tucking him in for bed. You get frustrated as a parent, even angry which sometimes is ok, but what are we doing with that anger. I love the verse above, "but the tongue of the wise brings healing." We can bring healing to our kids and that's especially important in foster care. What a strong word full of encouragement.
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These are some of the things I have learned and will continue to learn. Some of the truths were really hard. Sometimes repentance came slow. I want to end this post with one final quote.

"We live in the midst of holy teachers. Sometimes they spit up on themselves or on us. Sometimes they throw tantrums. Sometimes they cuddle us and kiss us and love us. In the good and the bad they mold our hearts, shape our souls, and invite us to experience God in newer and deeper ways. Although we may shed many tears along this sacred journey of parenting, numerous blessings await us around every bend in the road."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

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