Last month marked one year since our son joined our family. I can still remember his face when we first met him. Huge eyes and a sweet smile. On Friday morning we received news the judge assigned to Tristen's termination hearing ruled in favor of the state to legally terminate the father's parental rights. Tristen is now legally free to be adopted!
As I opened the Bible this morning the Holy Spirit led me to Psalm 77: 11-12.
"I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds."
As I read the verses I couldn't help but think of the hardest moments, one of them being when we doubted if we should continue on the road towards adopting Tristen. I remember wondering if I was the best mom for him? Did he need a home where there was only one child in effort to give him more of the attention he desires? Did I know all the facts about the case? Did I really know this child and would I be able to meet all of his needs, especially the needs I have yet to know about? For a week I pondered question after question, analyzing every angle. We asked our Community Group to join us in praying for God to speak. I specifically said I wanted an answer from the Lord before we could move forward.
Some may not agree with me but I believe that time in my life was extremely fruitful. It was important for me to voice the thoughts in my head. Telling people I was struggling to believe in God's plan was like taking a weight off my shoulders. For so long I was putting the best face forward and denying any doubts and fears I was having. The truth is, I was doubting everything. I was doubting my whole future and God already knew that. Bringing those fears and struggles to the light took all the power away from the enemy and his attacks. Keeping everything inside kept me from seeing God and the work He was doing. But can I tell you...that's okay! The Lord is bigger than our fears. He desires to meet us where we are today. He is an ever present help (Psalm 46:1). He doesn't look down at us with disappointing eyes when we struggle to believe in Him or what He is calling us to. If you're struggling today, can I encourage you to be honest about it? Don't worry about what people will think? Some may not agree with you or wonder how you could be so honest? I wondered if people would still accept me even if I doubted Tristen being our forever child. None of those questions and fears bring life.
After spending two weeks in prayer both as a couple and through our community group the Lord began to open my eyes. I hope you understand...He didn't send me a message in the clouds or spoke to me audibly. God did help me to see Tristen differently. He helped me see who I was/is when God chose to adopt me into His family. God didn't wait until I had it all together and was a "good" person. I still make mistakes, take advantage of people, serve my own cause and so much more but God sees past that. Only when I look at Tristen through God's eyes am I able to see clearly. He is me and I am him. We both need a Savior!
"but God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
"For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life." Psalm 56:13
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