As many of you already know today was a little nerve-racking (is that how you even spell that). I had a little break-down last night thinking of all the possibilities after this procedure. I was conflicted whether to feel joy and excitement or not to get my hopes up. My mind kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I felt very attacked by the enemy and in that next moment I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Many things may be against you but God is for you." I can't tell you how much peace those words brought me. It was such perfect timing. I shouldn't be surprised because that's just how God is. I was so blessed.

As always, it's been a long time since I last wrote on my blog. Life seems to get the best of me and I become more and more busy. This fall I had the pleasure of starting my lifetime dream of learning American Sign Language (ASL). I will be completing my fall semester this week which I am thrilled about. Through this new dream I have met some amazing people. God has truly blessed me with new friends that I completely treasure.

It has been a tough season. There have been many joys in the middle but overall this season of life has been hard. It goes without saying how difficult having a family is. The roller coaster of waiting is indescribable. It seems like with every joy there is a time of grief being reminded every month you are not a mother.

I know, it's been a while since I last wrote. There have been a lot of changes in our lives. Westin and I are still walking the journey of one day becoming parents. The challenges are hard. I can't lie and tell you that I don't struggle with the thoughts of never having a baby. The Enemy tries very hard to sneak lies into our thoughts.

Over the past couple of months I've had the privilege of working at Mars Hill Church in the Children's Ministry department as the 9AM Service Lead. When I was asked by a Pastor to consider taking a position in Children's Ministry, I immediately responded no, knowing it would be very difficult for me to serve with children due to the difficulty Westin and I have had trying to conceive a child of our own. God spoke through leadership, telling me this was exactly where He wanted me to serve. God wanted to teach me to trust Him right in the midst of the pain and heartache of infertility.

This year I committed to reading the Bible completely. As you may know, usually you read some verses from Psalms about Wisdom, the Pentateuch for History, Chronicles/Prophets and the Gospels and Epistles. Today I read Luke 23, Jesus' death. I sat and imagined the horror and glory of that day. To get an even more detailed picture I watched the scene from The Passion of the Christ movie. I do that because I want to get a good picture in my head of the pain Jesus endured on the cross for me. I picture his blood dripping down his face while carrying all of our sin(s). Why would He love me so much to take all of my sin and give me all of His righteousness in exchange?

It's a beautiful picture, isn't it? I am convinced no one would go back after experiencing God's love and goodness. I have experienced that love and goodness because I have seen the depth of my sin(s). Most would say exposing sin is too hard and you need to hide it, not deal with it. Counselors teach us how to forget and move on from the pain. I have learned it's the exact opposite. It's in the pain and the hard truth that God is revealed. When we are living a life of repentance God's goodness shines. He didn't die for me when and because I was "good." He died because someone had to pay my random. Someone had to pay for all the sins of the world, including mine. As I continue to live a life seeking God I am convicted more and more of my sin. You can't be close to God and not see your sin. He is just too perfect! I am encouraged because as long as I see my sin, I see God's goodness.

"For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." Romans 5:10

In a meeting at church this afternoon we were asked to share evidences of God's grace in our lives.

Grace, a word and meaning I was not familiar with until this year. Over the past four months God has been turning my life upside down. There is really no other way to describe what God has been doing other than shaking me to my core.

I never knew what grace was because I didn't think I needed it. You see, when you live a pretty normal life, do good and avoid the really big sins, grace doesn't have meaning. When we don't recognize and repeat of the sin(s) in our lives there is no need for a Savior. As Pastor James says, "No big sin, no big God."

The Holy Spirit started pouring truth in my life revealing I am no better than the murderer in jail, the adulterous husband, or the thief stealing from others. I am the sinner that nailed Jesus to the cross. I am the one that mocked Him while His blood shed for me. I cannot tell you the impact this truth has had on my life. I find myself wondering, "Why did you do it Jesus? Why would you love me enough die for me?" With tears in my eyes I brake down uttering the word why over and over.

Daily I am brought to my knees thanking God for this gift of grace. I need God's grace like everyone else. He could have given me the penalty I deserved, but in His goodness and love He didn't. What good news that is!

I ask the questions Paul asked in Romans, "What shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?" My answer, like Paul's is by no means.

When the Holy Spirit transformed me, I knew there was reason to celebrate and proclaim it to everyone. This past December during the Advent season I was baptized by my husband and another leader, Kyle at my church, Mars Hill. It is hard to put into words how much this meant to me. This act gave meaning to Paul's words when he writes,