The past two months have been a crazy ride. I believe God has taught me more in these few weeks than all my life. Every day I see God striping away the lies and distortions I have lived with all my life.

Today we had training at church and once again God showed up in a wonderful way, revealing to me how my past family relationship(s) have shaped my views of my heavenly Father. Somewhere in life I started believing that God is too busy to care about what I am doing and/or feeling in life. The lie the Devil would have me believe is that God has others He is more concerned about.
Later we talked about the cross and how with all I have done and will do wrong in life, Christ still went to the cross for me. That is just mind blowing to me. Romans 5: 10 states, "For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!" AMAZING! The more I think about the cross the more I am amazed at God's love for me. I have never thought about the cross in this way. I took it for granted so many years of my life. It's almost like I am a new believer that can't get enough of Christ.

I don't know where God will take Westin and I next. It's funny, I started this blog about trying to have a baby and now I am just realizing that maybe God just wants me to speak about Him in general. Above all He is the reason for everything in my life. Baby or no baby I am content with what God has for me today.

Till the next post...

I know it's been forever since my last post but you can imagine saying you're not pregnant over and over. It just gets old ever a while.

I have been in Venice, LA working for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill for the last 55 days. The Lord has been teaching me a great deal about trust and having faith in His plans.
You know, when things don't go our way we tend to start thinking there is something wrong with us. You start to wonder, am I not good enough for "that" in my life? Does God not want this or that for me? The temptation is to doubt instead of trust in His sovereign plan for our lives. Why is that? Why are we so weak and automatically put God in a box so small that He can't do anything to change our minds? Why is our timing instead of God's so much more important to us?

These questions also run through my mind regarding starting a family. Have I done something that I don't deserve a family? Will years go by before God sees fit for us to have a baby? Yet again the temptation is to doubt instead of trust.

All morning I have been listening to music, particularly the song "Alpha and Omega" by Israel & New Breed. What an amazing song of God's power and faithfulness. In the end it's all about Christ! Whatever His plans are, even if it's not in my timing I am and will be ok with. I will close with this...

"And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son."
Revelations 21: 5-7

He is trustworthy and true...that is good news for me today!

So today I got confirmation I am not pregnant. You know I thought I would be really disappointed but I am not. I've been spending a lot of time praying about this. I am really at peace with whatever plans God has for Westin and I. God has been showing me there is nothing better than being in his presence and perfect will. Whatever His will is I am happy with it.

I think there is nothing worse than waiting to see if your hard work :) paid off when taking the pregnancy test. I have mixed feelings about taking the test...I haven't done it yet. I just don't want to be disappointed. But then I think, it can't be a disappointment because God is in control of it all. Yeah I know, that's just the Bible right answer. Does it make me feel any better when and if I see a BIG negative sign? Hum, I am not sure it does. What does that say about my faith?
Maybe I won't take any test...just ride it out. I am sure if I am pregnant some things will change eventually :)

I have been thinking a lot about what God's plans are for my life. Here I am 30 and at one point in time I thought I would have like three or four kids by now. Yeah I know, isn't that crazy. It's funny how we plan out our lives and then God does something totally different.
So what does God want? Is wanting a baby wrong? Do we always doubt our desires when they don't come true as fast as we think they should have? I think it's natural to have doubts in life. If we had it all figured out then where would all the fun be. During this time I am enjoying all that God has for me. He is so good and I can't be sad because the many blessings in my life SO out weigh the things I "think" I should have right now.

This morning at church I saw this beautiful little girl running around in her cute dress and cowboy boots. As soon as I saw her I went into my imagination thinking what a wonderful father Westin will be some day. You know, more than anything that is the main reason I want to have kids. When I think of Westin being a daddy it brings me so much joy. Every time I see him with kids, especially little girls he lights up. He is so loving and caring! Is it wrong for me to want to have kids for Westin? Should I desire to have kids more for me being a mommy. I don't know...either way when we have a baby Westin will be a great father! I can't wait :)

Seriously, everyone either has a baby or is pregnant! It seems in the last couple of days I have heard or seen WAY too many people starting a family. Usually I don't care much but sometimes it bothers me. It doesn't bother me for their sake, just that it's hard when you're trying to have a baby. It's like it plays games with your head. You start doubting God's plans for your life and all that...even though you KNOW God totally has it under control. Pretty much I am over thinking it!

Today I spent two hours at the Seattle Children's Hospital. I volunteered with about six other people from work just to play and hang out with kids. In true fashion I had to blog about it...mostly about how after the first hour I was already BEAT. Really? Kids are non-stop. I couldn't believe how tired I was just keeping up with the stories, playing, and questions from the kids. Of course my thoughts turned to myself and having kids some day. Naturally I questioned my ability to KEEP UP with my own kid(s) when I actually have one, two or whatever.
Hmmm am I really cut out for this?

I woke up early this morning to take my husband to work and then go to babysit a friend's son right after. Every time that 5:10 alarm sounds off I think how having a baby will change my sleeping habits even more. Seriously, I LOVE to sleep. I don't have a full time job right now so sleep is amazing. Does it all really go away when you have a baby? Yeah yeah I know...those of you that have kids are laughing at me know how little sleep you do get. I don't know, I just can't seem to get over the sleep thing. When I sleep in till 10, 11, or whatever my first thought when I wake up is, "Well remember this feeling because it goes aways when you have a baby...sure you still want to do this?" Yep I am not kidding...that's what goes through my mind. Pretty sad huh...the millions of other things I "could" be worrying about...NOPE not me, I worry about sleep.

So the first question you are probably asking is, "Are you having problems having a baby?" Well we aren't...Westin and I are having fun being married and enjoying life. We feel like God will bless us with a child when the time is right. In the mean time this is my fun blog about the journey. Sometimes it will be funny and other times just totally pointless. Either way I like to write my thoughts out.

Thank you for reading and joining me...